Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Today's ( and maybe this year's) strangest/ most bizarre conversation:

The occasion: Calling in my tux measurements to Afterhours formalwear in Pineville, NC for Jason Erickson and Amanda Immel's wedding.
My location: the office
Time: Wednesday. June 16. 1 p.m.
Things to consider:
1.The woman on the other end of the phone has never seen or met me.
2. I work in a small office where co-workers can hear my conversations.
3. Our friendly Afterhours worker's voice can really project.

Afterhours: Hello Afterhours. This is (insert old lady, busybody name here). Can you hold?

Me: Yes, I guess.

(Kenny G, Harry Connick or something else begins to play. I grin and bear it.)

Two minutes passes.

AH: Okay, what can I do for you?

Me: I'd like to call in my tux measurements for a July 31 wedding that you are fitting.

AH: Okay. What's your name

Me: Matt Williams.

AH: And your height and chest size?

Me: Um, 6'3'' or 6'4'' and 51.

AH: And your coat size?

Me: That would be a 58-R

AH: What?!?!

Me: Um, 58-R?

AH: Oh no, that can't be right. You must need a 52 or 54.

Me: But these measurements fit for a wedding I was in three weeks ago.

AH: They fit?

Me: They seemed to...I think. It was big in the middle, but they said it had to be in order to fit my shoulders.

AH: No, that's impossible.

Me: How is it impossible if I wore the tux for six hours one day?

AH: Well, you'd have to be like 5'10'' or something. Are you sure you're not 5'10''? How tall do you really think you are?

Me: What? Yes, I'm around 6'3''. I've been this tall since I was 17.

AH: Okay, so what's your neck and sleeve size?

Me: 18 and 37.

AH: No way! Your sleeves must have been half-way up your arm! That's just not going to work.

Me: They seemed fine.

AH: I'm not sure I want to know what they have for the length of your pants?

Me: 40.

AH: You're kidding. That's impossible! There's no way that you can wear a 40 outseam. It's way too short. Unless they didn't measure correctly from the waist.

Me: I do wear my pants a little lower at the waist than some, I guess.

AH: You can't wear your pants like that! Not in a wedding!

Me: Huh? What?

AH: No, you shouldn't wear your pants that low. It doesn't look good.

Me: I don't....

AH: Where did you have these measurements taken?

Me: The Afterhours store in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

AH: I'm going to call them and get them to pull your record up.

Me: I tried that and they said they get rid of all records a week after the rental.

AH: Oh no, that's wrong. I'll call them and call you back

From this point, the conversation rolls on into more absurdity. If I hadn't been taken so off guard by this woman I would have screamed something like "I wear the pants in this phone conversation!" but these notings rarely come to my lips in time to be used.

I'm still waiting for a return call. I can only wonder what is going on at the AH Hamilton Place location.

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