Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

The cure for the common...question

I came down off the mountain around midnight a week ago Saturday night. My ears never adapted to the change in air pressure that night, and I woke up the next morning with a cold that lasted through the next week and the holidays and a stuffy head that felt like it was floating at the bottom of a well.

The first few days I struggled to hear people clearly, and it seemed that everything in life was tainted by my sudden deafness. I suppose I got used to the problem, because I'd completely forgotten about it until Sunday afternoon when my ears finally popped...yes, a week later... as I was driving back home from Atlanta. I had to laugh, because it seemed as if I had become enlightened, as if an epiphany had dawned on me. And then I had to chuckle again, because it's funny how relatively silly experiences can metaphorically parallel with life's more meaningful events at the same time.

Spiritually, I gained some measure of closure on the last eight years of my life Sunday morning. I'm well aware of the expanse of that statement and I'll spare the long details, but I gained understanding on a situation that had long served as a deep spiritual wound, despite the fact I felt 99 percent certain that eight years ago I had done the right thing in this circumstance. Still, since the situation involved me parting from many of the spiritual mentors that directed me in the infant stages of my faith, I struggled with thoughts and feelings of inferiority and a "wandering sheep" complex on many occasions. It wasn't something that was always present on my mind. Most of the time I was buried somewhere deep in my conscience , but at times it would rear its ugly head to pose a challenge.

Thankfully, God allowed a small beam of truth to shine through Sunday morning ( I didn't even go to church that day) which exposed the eight-year-old circumstance entirely for what it was and resulted in a strong sense of justification. Not that my only concern was with being right---I just wanted to know one way or anther. A wound needed to heal over into a scar.

And while I'm very thankful for Sunday's experience, I'm not quite sure that I can say the same for the last eight years. It's the common question of "why?" and "how?" and "what for?" etc. Sure, the long struggle leads to the greater appreciation I know, but time through God's eyes is often an enigma that denies justification.

I also know that wounds don't always heal before scarring over. There are many hurts and frustrations that we may never fully understand on this side of Heaven. My sister's seeming "no-end-in-sight" struggle with lupus comes to mind. You can say that "it's for God's glory", but honestly that doesn't usually do much for me. I'm not even sure we know what God's glory is anyway...it's turned into a catch phrase of sorts like "worship." But I do find comfort in Paul's words in II Corinthians 12:7-10:

"So to keep me from being too elated by the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I think most of us are waiting for our ears to pop and to get back to a "normal life" in one way or another. You may have even forgotten that you are waiting. I pray that God might pull back the veil a bit for you, but if not, that you would taste the sufficiency of his grace today.

Currently Playing Christmas Eve and Other Stories By Trans-Siberian Orchestra