Thursday, February 03, 2005

Tossing and turning

Tossing and turning in bed got old about three hours ago.

I've laid on my back and stomach, on this side and that, flipped again, used two pillows, one pillow, a body pillow, tried sleeping in contorted positions that normally wouldn't make any sense except that I've tried everything else too. Much of the night was spent in between being awake and asleep, which makes for a very odd overall feeling. Am I trying to wake up or fall into the glorious realm of sleep? My body hurts. My mind hurts.

I know we're not promised closure in the sanctification process, but sometimes I can't help but think that it would be really nice if special cases could be granted some measure of a resolution. How hard could it be to convince God of that, right?

"Um, you see God. I've sort of dealt with (insert complex situation here) for a long time and I'm sort of tired of it haunting me. I can't even sleep. It takes up too much of my time, and I'm sure you can see that I don't need it anymore...um, thanks...amen." ( All said in a jock voice)

My sleepless night led me to Philippians 3:12-21. The later half of the thirteenth verse is problematic.

¹²Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. ¹³Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

It's quite paradoxical. We're supposed to leave behind things of the past in pursuit of what lies ahead, yet at the same time it's these things that are molding us into Christ's image. And, in some circumstances, perhaps the pursuit of a resolution is what we should be striving for. I don't think God randomly drops situations into our laps and expects us to just leave them without getting past them. Still, I wonder, did Paul have the unique capacity to just let stuff go because his passion for pursuing his future was stronger? Did he not struggle with open-ended life circumstances? Maybe he was just an android or something, because there's plenty times when reading Paul's letters that I do think sarcastically, "Sure Paul, you do that." Maybe my passion is just really lacking, which wouldn't be too surprising now that I think about it.

I'm also thinking about James 5:7-8. I taught on it a few weeks back on Sunday. It's the one about being patient like the farmer, waiting for the late and early rains to bring forth the crop of his toiling. My thought is that, given the dryness and hardness of the Palestinian ground referred to, the farmer had to labor endlessly and still wasn't promised a harvest. There was a good bit of risk involved without promise of success. There had to be a point where he'd done everything he could possibly do, and then had to sit and wait, patiently, realizing that the rest was totally out of his control. You can't make crops grow faster. There had to be moments the farmer heard voices that chided, "Nothing you've wanted and worked for will come to fruition. And more than likely, since you're a farmer by trade, you'll do it all over again next year with the same situation."

From time to time, I think that a hint or two from God saying otherwise would be nice. And if being a farmer is not what's supposed to be, tell me that too. Then I can move on.

There is comfort though. Ultimately, there is purpose. None of the toiling is in vain but is in fact conforming me more to Christ's likeness. At times I'd rather graduate to something else. But again, I'm back to the thought that this is our faith...a tossing and turning, living somewhere between two worlds in opposition to each other.

Currently Playing I See Things Upside Down By Derek Webb