Friday, June 24, 2005
I know why the Wal-Mart Smileyface smiles
One of the main disadvatanges I see to being a bachelor that lives alone is that I have no one to recount my dreams to when I wake up in the morning, and as a result, I quickly forget whatever it was that I had been dreaming about.
I'm not typically a happy dreamer. In fact, my dreams are usually of the bizarre variety—never completely absent from reality, but rarely making sense at the same time. Since I usually quickly forget the details, I sat down this morning and chronicled this one for my own purposes, and more than likely for your enjoyment. Just don't enjoy it too much. Comments, dream analysis and "deep" insights are welcome...as long as no one tries to pull any Freudian crap.
I'm walking around Super Walmart with Kati, shopping for something, when I realize that my clothes are dirty. I'm not exactly a freak for cleanliness, but in this situation I just couldn't deal with it. And instead of just going over and buying some new clothes, I sneak away to this back hallway of the store, where I somehow knew there would be a washer and dryer and started washing my clothes. It was weird because there was like a whole house layout down this hallway, like I was in someone's residence, so the whole time I was afraid someone would walk in and find me, turn me over to the cops or start shooting a gun at me or something, but the risk seemed worth it because I wanted clean clothes. Anyway, after awhile, I started to realize that the washing was not going as fast as I thought, and Kati might soon find that I was no longer with her and begin to wonder what I was up to.
I didn't want to walk out into the store with just my boxers on (I didn't wash them, I don't know why) to admit what I was doing, but I also didn't want to wear wet clothes, which was my other option and would also reveal what I had snuck away to do. I sat there and debated for a long time what to do, but then decided to put on the wet clothes and go find Kati and either confess the situation or hope that she didn't notice that my clothes were soaking wet. But when I opened the washer to get the clothes, only part of the clothes were there.
So again I had to reevaluate, and eventually, after what seemed to be a very long time, I convinced myself that there might still be enough time to dry my remaining clothes before anyone realized what I was doing and before Kati realized I was missing. So I started drying what clothes I had left (I'm not sure which clothes I had and which I didn't), but I checked moments later on them and they were completely gone. So I'm standing there in my boxers freaking out, because I have no clothes, someone's going to find me in their house, if I try to find Kati everyone will laugh at me, but if I don't she'll think I left her in Wal-Mart or something. So out of desperation I look in this closet and find all my wet clothes and they're really really wet this time....I don't know...so I quickly threw them back in the dryer. But then I start hearing the angry-sounding intercom lady say, "You friendly Wal-Mart superstore will be closing in five minutes. Please make your way to the front of the store at this time."
So I'm freaking out more, because I realize I've been in the store for somewhere near eight hours or so, and wondering what to do. I finally decided with one minute left before the store closes that I should just bite the bullet and walk out in my skivies in front of everyone, but then I chicken out at the last moment as I'm peeking out the door to the main part of the store. I can see Kati pulling away in her car. I turn to go back to the back, wondering how I'm going to explain all this, but before I can close the door someone sees me and starts yelling about me being in the secret vault, and so I took off running as fast as I could back to the washer and dryer. "If I'm going to get caught, I'm at least going to be wearing something," I'm thinking to myself. I can hear the footsteps pounding behind me, meaning my time to get dressed is really limited. "Maybe I can at least get some pants on?" I skid to a stop at the washer and dryer, throw open the door to the dryer, which is still running, and........that's right...............all the clothes are completely missing.
As I was about to be detained as a semi-naked Wal-mart criminal, and they always prosecute, you know, I woke up, more than ready to get a shower and get back to reality.
One of the main disadvatanges I see to being a bachelor that lives alone is that I have no one to recount my dreams to when I wake up in the morning, and as a result, I quickly forget whatever it was that I had been dreaming about.
I'm not typically a happy dreamer. In fact, my dreams are usually of the bizarre variety—never completely absent from reality, but rarely making sense at the same time. Since I usually quickly forget the details, I sat down this morning and chronicled this one for my own purposes, and more than likely for your enjoyment. Just don't enjoy it too much. Comments, dream analysis and "deep" insights are welcome...as long as no one tries to pull any Freudian crap.
I'm walking around Super Walmart with Kati, shopping for something, when I realize that my clothes are dirty. I'm not exactly a freak for cleanliness, but in this situation I just couldn't deal with it. And instead of just going over and buying some new clothes, I sneak away to this back hallway of the store, where I somehow knew there would be a washer and dryer and started washing my clothes. It was weird because there was like a whole house layout down this hallway, like I was in someone's residence, so the whole time I was afraid someone would walk in and find me, turn me over to the cops or start shooting a gun at me or something, but the risk seemed worth it because I wanted clean clothes. Anyway, after awhile, I started to realize that the washing was not going as fast as I thought, and Kati might soon find that I was no longer with her and begin to wonder what I was up to.
I didn't want to walk out into the store with just my boxers on (I didn't wash them, I don't know why) to admit what I was doing, but I also didn't want to wear wet clothes, which was my other option and would also reveal what I had snuck away to do. I sat there and debated for a long time what to do, but then decided to put on the wet clothes and go find Kati and either confess the situation or hope that she didn't notice that my clothes were soaking wet. But when I opened the washer to get the clothes, only part of the clothes were there.
So again I had to reevaluate, and eventually, after what seemed to be a very long time, I convinced myself that there might still be enough time to dry my remaining clothes before anyone realized what I was doing and before Kati realized I was missing. So I started drying what clothes I had left (I'm not sure which clothes I had and which I didn't), but I checked moments later on them and they were completely gone. So I'm standing there in my boxers freaking out, because I have no clothes, someone's going to find me in their house, if I try to find Kati everyone will laugh at me, but if I don't she'll think I left her in Wal-Mart or something. So out of desperation I look in this closet and find all my wet clothes and they're really really wet this time....I don't know...so I quickly threw them back in the dryer. But then I start hearing the angry-sounding intercom lady say, "You friendly Wal-Mart superstore will be closing in five minutes. Please make your way to the front of the store at this time."
So I'm freaking out more, because I realize I've been in the store for somewhere near eight hours or so, and wondering what to do. I finally decided with one minute left before the store closes that I should just bite the bullet and walk out in my skivies in front of everyone, but then I chicken out at the last moment as I'm peeking out the door to the main part of the store. I can see Kati pulling away in her car. I turn to go back to the back, wondering how I'm going to explain all this, but before I can close the door someone sees me and starts yelling about me being in the secret vault, and so I took off running as fast as I could back to the washer and dryer. "If I'm going to get caught, I'm at least going to be wearing something," I'm thinking to myself. I can hear the footsteps pounding behind me, meaning my time to get dressed is really limited. "Maybe I can at least get some pants on?" I skid to a stop at the washer and dryer, throw open the door to the dryer, which is still running, and........that's right...............all the clothes are completely missing.
As I was about to be detained as a semi-naked Wal-mart criminal, and they always prosecute, you know, I woke up, more than ready to get a shower and get back to reality.
posted by Matthew David Williams at 7:37 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home